If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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