So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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