I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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