dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
