okay pat passed out under dana's car
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"