I wish my penis had an off switch
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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