that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
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