You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?