I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.