Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
