My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
