I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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