I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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