my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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