How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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