he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
