i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
