After last night, I could never be a politician.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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