your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
