There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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