If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
