dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
