Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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