John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
