dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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