So drunk its hurt
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
