Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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