so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
i need some magic done to my vagina
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
