If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
