I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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