last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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