I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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