Do you still have your period?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
