we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
