I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
