i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
