I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
