Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
