$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
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My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕