The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
