i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
