dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
