What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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