She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
