i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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