Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
