Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
