You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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