if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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