i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
