When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
