I never want to see another naked old woman again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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