I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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