i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?