I didn't shave. On purpose
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I am one with the molecules
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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