Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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