They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
be right there i have to get my cape
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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