every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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