And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
