The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
