He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
