well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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