Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
