It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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